


Coffee & Killers

by mauvecardigans



Category: Prodigal Son (TV 2019)
Genre: Gen, Podcast fic, outsider pov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:42:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 12,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23112655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mauvecardigans/pseuds/mauvecardigans
Summary: Transcripts of a podcast where a true crime fan drinks coffee and talks about killers.Inspired by the "Killers & Coffee" content on the official Prodigal Son Instagram.[This fic isn't dead, by the way. I'm just depressed and the US is falling apart, so I haven't felt like working on this. Also writer's block lmao I'll update this and get s1 finished eventually.]
Comments: 9
Kudos: 37





	1. Episode 0.1 - Intro

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers, a podcast where I slurp on some coffee and ramble about killers.  
  
The idea of this is -- I'll be releasing episodes on a weekly basis, first thing in the morning. I'll also be recording episodes first thing in the morning before I go to work, hence the coffee. The other option was breakfast, but honestly, listening to someone drink is bad enough. I'm not about to subject anyone to the sounds of me eating. Again, no judgement if that's your thing. Just -- go find an ASMR podcast if that's what you're here for.   
  
Also, in the interests of full disclosure, the coffee has nothing to do with the actual content here. It's just a conceit for a catchy title and an excuse for me to out my terrible taste in coffee. If you came to this podcast because "coffee" is in the title, this may not be the podcast for you. No fair leaving bad reviews because I am telling you this up front.   
  
The killers part will be way more interesting, I promise. Or -- I hope. I guess that's up to you, if it's more interesting. I think it'll be more interesting. But then it's my podcast, so -- 

Anyway! Killers. This isn't really a true crime podcast in the sense of delving too deeply into anything in particular or re-hashing old cases. I'm more interested in armchair investigating current crime as it becomes public knowledge -- or as I learn of it just by living in New York.   
  
Ok, so the killers part is also gossip. I'll own that.   
  
There won't be much organization to the show aside from intro-ing with a cup of coffee and then discussing whatever's happening in the world of New York crime, but one thing I do want to discuss or at least touch on is -- and I know this is fairly cliche for a New Yorker -- but I want to get into the Surgeon. I know! I know. I'm not the first, I won't be the last, yadda yadda. But part of what I want to do here is talk about aftereffects, not the actual crimes.   
  
Anyway, this is supposed to be an intro episode, not an ep unto itself, so that's enough of this for now.  
  
So! I'll see you next week, when we'll see what's going on around the city, and to start getting into the Surgeon. Bring your coffee!

_A chair creaks. Quieter:_

"Bring your coffee." That ain't gonna fly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time fic reader, first time fic poster. Please be gentle; I have no idea what I'm doing.
> 
> I have 15 of these written and a few more in progress, but they need some tweaking before they can go up. The goal is to have everything uploaded ahead of 1x16. After that, there may or may not be a new chapter-episode a week? Depends on how my day job shakes out.
> 
> So please be patient as well as gentle.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Tumblr: mauvecardigans


	2. Episode 1 - Pumpkin Spice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A copycat, some Whitlys, and a seasonal coffee.

**Host:** Hello and welcome to Coffee & Killers, where we -- well, I -- talk about notorious local crime. Since it's NYC, I did consider calling it Bagels & Coffee & Killers but, like, the coffee is already superflouous, and nobody wants to listen to someone eat. 

Well, some people do, but this isn't an ASMR podcast, so --

Anyway, let's get the coffee out of the way. Today, in celebration of episode one, I have splurged and gotten a pumpkin spice latte, which likely tells you way too much about me on the first date.

Now! To the killers. We could start off easy, but why do that when the NYPD just found another body, and they confirmed they're looking for a Surgeon copycat. Now, there's always a chance that the case will be closed by the time this episode is uploaded, but real life is rarely that cut and dry. What the cops haven't said is what part of the Surgeon's career is being copied. So whether the case is solved -- if the case is solved by next time, maybe we can delve into it a little more then.

Now, speaking of the Surgeon, something else I want to do with this podcast is not gloss over the victims. Not just the people murdered, but the people left behind. I really don't want to romanticize any of this -- that's not my intention at all. Murder isn't something to be romanticized. It should just be horrific. But -- I want to focus on the ones no one else does, the ones you see hiding their faces at trial and then never again. I'm talking about the killers' families. The killers are convicted in court, and their families end up convicted in the court of public opinion. 

In the case of the Surgeon, what happened to the Whitlys? How did Dr. Martin Whitly end their lives when he was discovered?

His wife, Jessica Whitly nee Milton, was an ubiqutious upper-class socialite, and well-known as a philanthropist, throwing her family's money at more good causes than the public will ever know. After the arrest, she disappeared from the New York social scene. Given her reputation, I suspect there has been no change in her philanthropy, but nobody is willing to acknowledge that she is their patron.

His daughter, Ainsley Whitly, was only five years old when her family's world came crashing down. In the twenty years since the arrest, she grew up knowing her father was a monster, and she has become a familiar face on ADN even with the Whitly name.

His son, Malcolm Whitly, was ten years old when he called the cops on his own father. Since then, he has mostly disappeared from the public. Rumor has it he was some kind of law enforcement at one point, but beyond that -- 

_She sighs._

Anyway, that's all for episode one. Next week, with any luck, we'll have an update on the copycat, and see if we can't fill in some more blanks about the Surgeon's family legacy. So I'll catch you back here next week, coffee in hand. I promise it won't be another pumpkin spice latte.

_Hard cut to noticeably lower-quality audio:_

Quick postscript I'm adding in later because I mispoke in a big way -- the NYPD have not actually officially confirmed that they're after a Surgeon copycat. That's, uh, my bad. Please don't come after me for that.

But let's be real, here. That's -- I mean, it has to be a copycat, right? Like, how many killers in recent memory have very specifically used a paralytic in their murders? 

So not confirmed, but also, come on.


	3. Episode 2 - Black Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Too-strong tea, a too-boring conclusion, and a too-conspicuous nickname.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers. Today's bev of choice is not coffee at all, but tea. Plain black tea, brewed with two teabags still in the mug because we love tannins in this house.

Follow-up on the copycat from last week -- the alleged murderer is Carter Berkhead, the wealthy developer, and aside from that apartment explosion being connected somehow, that's it. That's all the official information we have. So that's score one for the unremarkable conclusion column. I suspect that column is going to be the only one to ever get points. I mean, I hope not, but, you know. 

Probably.

In terms of new bodies -- well, that's too flippant. Accurate, but too flippant.

_A pause._

According to the news, we have four new murder victims found on one scene in Brooklyn. Not much information has been officially released at this point, but current reporting says they were a shipping magnate and his family. 

And of course you know who got to be on scene reporting this, right? One Ainsley Whitly, intrepid reporter and daughter of Martin Whitly, also known as the Surgeon.

_A chair creaks. Quieter:_

You ever have a sudden feeling that a new project is taking on a life of its own? I really hope this isn't about to become a Surgeon podcast. That would be even more depressing than just your regular, current true crime.

Although --

_Another creak. Too close to the mic:_

I mean, now that I've brought it up, let's get into it. Ainsley is Martin's youngest child and though I know very little about child development, I suspect she didn't really have a memorable connection with dear old dad before he was perp walked out their front door. Probably for the better, really. She still has to live with him as her father, and she still has to live with the name. I wonder why she didn't change it when she became a reporter. Loyalty and solidarity with mom? Redirecting the family narrative? Ainsley, if you're listening, hit me up. I want to know. 

All right. That's enough out of me for this week. Catch you next time, killers.

_She snorts._

No, that's not gonna work. Whatever. Catch you next time, y'all.


	4. Episode 3 - Hot Cocoa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A cozy drink, a lack of news, and snakes and a brain.

**Host:** Okay, so I know New York is just the most ridiculous city -- like, it's like LA because it's full of actors and hopes and dreams, but it's like LA's rebellious sibling. Kind of dirty, kind of desperate. I guess crappy northern winters will do that to a city. Anyway, New York is ridiculous on its own, but today's followup is just -- wh- -- why would you put --

Coffee! Forgot coffee. Today's is not coffee at all. It's hot cocoa. It's early, but my midwestern-raised bones feel winter in the air, and so today is a cocoa day. But good cocoa, locally made. Well, not locally grown, but it's from a local company, and made with milk and water. Of course, I put marshmallows in. I bulk bought dehydrated marshmallows just for this, and as a bonus, they'll keep forever.

Anyway, enough about bevs, because I could go on and on. Let's get back to the Boutsikaris case, the shipping family from last time -- we finally got their names! -- because that case got weird as hell. 

Guys, there were snakes in the guy's stomach. I mean who does that? Even in a business as ruthless and potentially shady as international shipping, there had to be years of built-up animosity there for someone to go to the effort of putting snakes inside this dude's guts.

Turns out, our guy Aristos knew someone with years of built-up animosity. The alleged killer in this case is supposedly his illegitimate son. Aristos paid him off to try to keep him out of his life, but the son couldn't stand the rejection. 

And for some reason, that meant snakes.

Look, I just have a podcast. I don't pretend to understand any of this.

_A pause. The sound of a mug being placed on a wooden table._

Quick Whitly Watch interlude -- there is not a whole lot going on, which honestly just makes me more creeped out by everything. How could nothing be going on with that family? Jessica's flying under the radar again. Malcolm is still -- somewhere, I assume. I hope. Martin's tucked away in Claremont. I hope. AInsley is the only one who hits my radar with any regularity, and only because the network keeps sending her to crime scenes. Is she getting these assignments because she's slowly moving up the ladder toward the anchor desk? Or is it because they figure, who better to cover suspicious deaths in the city than a Whitly?

Also happening this week, the body of Dr. George Holton was found in Riverside Park. Initially it was believed he suffered a lobotomy, but later reporting indicated his brain was just straight-up removed.

Guys, between snakes in guts and brains just -- what the hell am I doing here?

Um, anyway, Dr. Holton -- I can't believe we already have an ID on this guy -- was a professor up at the university working with Dr. Elaine Brown, who's known for her work in the psychology of fear. Given their work, I have to hope there's a reason for the brain thing beyond trophyhunting.

_She sighs._

Y'all, I'm kinda weirded out. It's too early for this. I'll catch you next week with coffee or something stronger and, with any luck, some kind of explanation for whatever crappy fortune befell Dr. Holton.


	5. Episode 4 - Dark Roast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get high and soak it all in.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers, where I pour coffee down my gullet and talk about the all-too-wild world that is murder in New York City.

This morning we will be imbibing a fine dark roast, brewed to perfection in a ten-year old Keurig. As usual, I'm taking it black so I can't see the sediment that came out of the machine. 

I don't want to talk about it. 

Let's get into the good stuff.

We've got an update on Dr. Holton. One of his colleagues was also targeted by the killer, and was apparently only saved because he already happened to be on the phone with the NYPD. Which is good news! Assuming the connection was the university, a protection detail was placed at the home of the other faculty member in their department, Dr. Brown.

Turns out this was also good news, because the suspect broke into her home that night. Bad news for the suspect -- he was shot and killed on the scene. Now, it's not clear who fired the shot. I think -- and this is my own speculation here, nothing official -- but I think Dr. Brown may have shot him in self-defense. We'll just have to see how that court case plays out, I guess.

Interesting detail about the police presence at Dr. Brown's home, though -- rumor has it it was a two-man stakeout, but one of the men on scene was not a cop at all, but a profiler or a consultant or something. I feel like that's not a good sign regarding some of these deaths and murders lately if they've had to bring in a profiler.

Lock your doors and try not to make any enemies, y'all.

Speaking of enemies, I've got a sad one to report today. Tatiana Moore, known online as TT, was found dead in -- this sucks, guys. Rumor has it she was found in the Blue Bath. Now, I don't really follow the world of models or influencers on social media, but celebrity deaths are always -- their circles are wider than those of us average Joes, so more people are affected. I mean, I'm not about to get into the psychology of all that, that's not what I'm here for. It's just a thing that happens. And she was only 23, man. 

_Her voice is muffled for a few words, as though she is speaking through her hand._

Um, nothing official's been released, but I guess they're looking at Axel X, the designer she was working with. I don't know what kind of motive he would have, and honestly it seems a little too on the money for a guy to kill his ex-girlfriend and modeling the scene after his own work. I don't know. I'm just an armchair investigator with no real experience and no real information, but that seems too -- easy.

You know, before we go, I feel like I need to address something. New York is a city of 8-point-6 million, and thousands of people die here every year. In 2017, 577 of those deaths were homicide. A casual podcast like this can't possibly cover every suspicious death or homicide in the city and still remain comprehensible. So if it seems like I'm just looking at the interesting ones -- that came out wrong. I'm making a conscious choice to focus on the cases that are public knowledge, and that prove reality is stranger than fiction.

Something too much of this. I'll catch you next week, hopefully with something less depressing. As much as murder can be non-depressing.

_A chair creaks. There is a moment of dead air before the recording ends._


	6. Episode 5 - Earl Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memorials, back rooms, and little umbrellas.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers. Today, not for the first time, I'm forgoing coffee in favor of tea. I don't know if what I'm feeling is allergies or the first cold of the season, but why not head it off with a nice cup of Earl Grey, complete with cream to balance the licorice flavor that I cannot stand, and honey and lemon to soothe the throat? You know, for as much as this is comforting when I feel like crap, I still really hate Earl Grey tea. I should just stick to black tea.

Anyway.

_The faint tinkle of a spoon in a mug. The sound recurs on and off throughout the episode._

Before we get into the stuff I need to touch on but really don't have anything to say about -- the outpouring of love and support on social media for TT has been amazing to see. I get a little worn down sometimes by constantly digging into murder, so it's kind of nice to have little reminders like this that people actually do care about each other. 

Now, onto the goods, by which I mean, "How little can I say while still saying enough to justify this as an episode of a podast?" 

A man was found dead in the back room of a cafe. When I say "back room," what I really mean is speakeasy. And, actually, it was two men. But let's not get bogged down with details, because the one guy was covered in drugs, and this was probably a guy killed by a rival crew, and I really want nothing to do with any of that.

Later that night, there was a shooting at a club that has been long rumored to be a front for a drug operation, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say the shooting was related to the previous death, and you know what? That's enough of that. Look it up if you want more information. I'm just -- this was a thing that happened. I know absolutely nothing. I'm leaving this one to the cops, man. I'm never gonna think about this one ever again because it has nothing to do with me and I'm good with that.

I mean, a couple of off-duty cops were supposedly onsite during the shooting, but I -- really, I don't know anything, please leave me alone, I'm just speculating.

Finally, something I am happy to speculate on, because there has been no new information -- Where in the World is Malcolm Whitly? With any luck, he's on a beach in Tahiti sipping cocktails and living his best life out from under the shadow of the Whitly name.

Wish I was on a beach in Tahiti sipping cocktails. Winter's coming and I hate it.

Catch you next week.


	7. Episode 6 - Pumpkin Spice (Again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sharp pang of regret, the delicate sound of wind whistling where it shouldn't, and the sweet fumes of polyurethane.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers. Now, I told myself I wasn't going to repeat a coffee for this show, but here I am slamming back another pumpkin spice latte. I told you I had questionable taste. At least now it's seasonally appropriate.

Okay. I know I said I would never touch this again, but I have a last update on the -- look, the club that was probably a front that was shot up? The guy that ran it was killed. Don't know who he was, don't know why his club was shot up, don't know his connection to the other deceased, and I don't care. That's it, okay, buh-bye! Now I'm really never touching this again.

On to this week's body, because there does seem to be a new wild and wacky murder every week. A well-ventilated body of a male was found in a park, not far off the road. When I say well-ventilated, I mean stabbed in the torso more times than is strictly necessary to kill a man. Reports say the family has been notified, but no ID has been released. Also, no word as of yet on a suspect. I'm really hoping this is a one-off death and not a new serial killer, because a real-life Michael Myers is the last thing this city needs this time of year.

Now, those of you who have been listening for a while are probably wondering what happened to Whitly Watch. It got pretty quiet there and I got kind of silly with it last week. But here's the thing. I've been watching, but nothing has been happening and that is just ratcheting up the tension for me even more. It's been like watching paint dry, except you know that at any moment the paint can come alive and eat you, but it hasn't happened yet. 

But it could.

Maybe for the next episode, the only thing DOA will be my tendency to abuse metaphors.

_She snorts._

Catch you next week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Using pumpkin spice lattes twice is a callout post for myself.


	8. Episode 7 - Bottled Iced Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A child, some charity, and a (temporary) change of pace.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers. This morning, I'm enjoying a bottled iced coffee from the fridge because my landlord decided the heat should be on and cranked all the way up already, which will be nice in another two or three weeks, but I'm not there yet, buddy, and I am roasting here.

Remember last week's well-ventilated body? Turns out it wasn't a serial killer, so that's the good news. The bad news is -- and this is purely based on info from NextDoor and Websleuths because it's not exactly the sort of detail the NYPD would release -- the bad news is, the suspect is the guy's son, all of 12 years old. 

Holy _bleep_. 

Like I said, nothing has been officially confirmed or released as of yet, if it ever will be, but -- wow. And the worst part is, I can believe it.

_The sound of an empty glass bottle hitting the bottom of a plastic garbage can. She sighs._

On a somewhat lighter note, I have a relatively nice Whitly rumor to share. Now, bear in mind that I am not in the same class as Jessica Whitly, so this is getting filtered down to me from a friend of a friend of a friend. But word on the street is that Jessica Whitly's expanding her philanthropical horizons to include the fight against human trafficking -- anonymously, of course. Which I can understand, really, I mean, I would probably do the same thing, considering --

You know, even after a few weeks of Martin-free episodes, I don't think we're ever going to get away from him. Honestly, I should just change the title of this damn show to "Coffee & the Surgeon." That sounds like the worst coffee date ever. Like, I trust the Surgeon as far as I can spit, and -- I can't spit.

Before we go, some potentially non-murder crime to report. Nice change, to be honest, if off topic. There were reports of gunshots at a junkyard in the Bronx. And that's all I've got on that. I only mention it because usually gunshots aren't just gunshots, and I'll be keeping an eye on this and keeping you updated.

Catch you next week.


	9. Episode 8 - Gas Station Blend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our host forgets she meant this to be a G-rated podcast.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers, where time is an illusion because frankly, things are weird so how could it not be?

Today, we have a delightful gas station coffee because sometimes you just don't have a choice. 

_A slurp._

Mm! Mm-mm-mm! Love to burn my mouth on the first sip! Good sign for the day! Love it!

_A chair creaks. Quieter and slightly muffled, as though through her hand:_

Okay! Anyway!

_Another creak. At normal volume:_

So right off the bat, we have some followup info on the gunshots reported from that junkyard. Apparently they were just the shots. No injuries have been confirmed and as far as I can tell, no out-of-the-ordinary GSWs have been reported at any hospitals.

I wish that was the end of the junkyard story. Hold onto your butts, because this is gross.

Apparently, in the course of investigating the source of the gunshots, a body was found. Now, when I say body, what I mean is mush, because the body was found in a crushed car. 

I'm not sickened, exactly, but I am disgusted. There's a fine line between those two feelings, and I tend live on that line. I mean, maybe it's just the claustrophobia from the thought of being crushed in a _bleep_ car, but -- yikes.

Now, here's the really fun part. This was not the only body found. I don't have a number and honestly, I shouldn't even know what I do, but I keep hearing 15 bodies. Accurate? Don't know, but I'm happy to add to the rumor mill. It seems high, but I guess you can hide all manner of things in smooshed-up cars in a junkyard.

Since somebody has a body count, of course this new -- is he new if bodies are being found in old cars? Anyway, this new serial killer has a nickname.

"The Junkyard Killer." Y'all, if there was a camera for me to stare into right now --

I mean, "Junkyard Killer"? A little on the nose, isn't it? And kind of -- distancing, like, why make it funny? Murder isn't funny.

I mean --

_She sighs._

I know I'm doing a podcast about it that's also about whatever coffee I decide to drink in the morning, but -- it's not funny. And no, I don't have a suggestion for a better name. I guess I just don't get why they get nicknames. 

I don't know. I didn't think that train of thought through so now this is an editing nightmare.

Anyway. 

Aside from the guy who kills people in a junkyard, there seems to be a police presence at the Whitly house. Nothing fancy or overbearing, but enough that I feel like I would be stopped if lingered on their street too long. Which is a theory I am not about to go and test. So I don't know what's going on there, but I can't help but think that the timing is awfully suspicious.

Speaking of Whitlys, the Surgeon has been moved into solitary confinement following the incident at Claremont. I don't think we covered that last week, so let's get into it a little bit, or as into it as we can with minimal information.

Martin Whitly had visitors, plural, but none of their names have been disclosed or released. While they were onsite, a lockdown was initated of the entire hospital. Official statements indicate that another inmate-slash-patient somehow got hold of a weapon -- did he make it? was it provided to him? -- and he stabbed his guard and stole his keycard, giving him access to the entire wing and basically nullifying the lockdown.

Here's where things get a little fuzzy. From this point on, it's all speculation, and this is my condensed version of what happened based on rumors and straight-up guessing. 

The patient's guard was the only fatality, but he was not the only victim. Using the keycard, this guy got access to the part of the hospital where Martin Whitly is held. Whether he made it just into the vicinity of his cell or actually into his cell is up for debate, but he obviously got close because he allegedly stabbed one of the Surgeon's visitors. Just how bad the stabbing was, I can't say for sure, but the victim did end up transported to the hospital for emergency surgery.

So that part's a little hazy, and we know the Surgeon ended up in solitary when all was said and done. So what happened in between? How was the rogue patient caught? How did all of this lead to Martin Whitly being sent to solitary?

I have absolutely no idea. 

Now, rumors and gossip and I guess common sense say he was involved somehow, even though he never left his cell and had multiple witnesses, including his guard, that can place him in his cell through the entire incident. We know Martin Whitly is one charismatic son of a _bleep_ , but does he really have that kind of power as an inmate?

_She snorts._

Because the Surgeon really needs to be a more horrifying figure, right?

More than 20 years and he still haunts this city. It would be impressive if it wasn't so terrifying.

Speaking of 20 years ago, let's end this on an upbeat note with the segment I've started calling "Where the _bleep_ is Malcolm Whitly?" I don't expect to find him at this point, if I'm honest. Hell, if I were him I'd have left New York at the first opportunity and never looked back. But I am not Malcolm, or I would not be asking where he is. I just -- for 20 years, it's been Jessica this, Ainsley that, Martin here, Surgeon there. I don't even know why I care so much, honestly. I guess it's just weird that Malcolm Whitly apparently dropped off the face of the earth after his father's conviction. 

_A pause._

I guess that's not an upbeat way to end after all. Oh, well. 

That's enough for this week. Next week, I'm hoping there will be good news regarding the Junkyard Killer. Or maybe something else will happen. Or maybe it will be a nice, quiet week in the city with no new killers crawling out of the woodwork. Wouldn't that be wonderful? I mean, I'd hate to not have a podcast anymore because this is actually quite fun, but -- it'd be nice, you know? 

_She snorts. A chair creaks. Quieter:_

Maybe Malcolm will show up. That'd be nice.


	10. Episode 9 - Peppermint Mocha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feds taking over. Body found. Interview looming.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers! Today, I'm enjoying a peppermint mocha, which is my all-time favorite seasonal flavor -- yes, I love it even more than pumpkin spice. Fortunately for you, I won't dwell on it as much as I could, because I am chomping at the bit with this next thing, because -- 

We're getting a Martin Whitly interview. 

I -- what?

Like -- 

I don't even know where to go with that. I'm just so -- is "excited" the right word? Maybe it shouldn't be, even if it is. I mean, this is either going to be a fantastic opportunity to learn about the psychology of someone capable of such terrible things, or --

Or it's going to be an unmitigated disaster.

Either way, you know I'll be watching, popcorn in hand.

Anyway, back in the world of what this podcast was originally supposed to be about, we've got a murder to discuss, or at least touch on until more information is released. I haven't gotten a nastygram from the NYPD yet for any content on this show, and I am not about to start risking one now.

What I can tell you is that this murder is all kinds of wrong place, wrong time for our victim: the swanky midtown apartment he was found in wasn't his. My source won't tell me much more than that, but she did mention that it didn't look like the vic was killed elsewhere and moved to the apartment, and it didn't look like a B-and-E. As far as this guy was concerned, he was where he was supposed to be.

This is gonna be a fun one to follow up on.

In Junkyard Killer news, there is absolutely no news. Zero. Well, I mean, we know the FBI has taken over the case even if we don't know why, but other than that -- nothing. No updates. Which is really helping me sleep at night, let me tell you. I love having an active serial killer in the neighborhood. It's great. Stress-free.

And I'm rambling. Damn, I hope I have something to report with the Junkyard Killer next week. I mean, I won't. But I hope.

_She snorts._

How many weeks of doing this show, and I still have hope? Never said I wasn't a fool.

Tune in next week to see if that hope was in vain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just checking in with a quick status update!
> 
> The next 6 episodes are written and just need to be uploaded. There are 5 after that, 3 of which I still need to finish writing. That will catch this fake podcast up to pre-1x16.
> 
> My workday tomorrow (today? what is time?) is ridiculous, but I'll try to get another couple episode-chapters uploaded before I pass out Friday night. Ideally, I'll finish writing the stragglers on Saturday and can get everything uploaded well before Monday.
> 
> And then I'll have to write and upload as episodes go, I guess. No pressure.


	11. Episode 9.33 - Commute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is why podcasters use good mics and edit their episodes.

_The following audio is lower-quality than previous episodes._

**Host:** Okay. No coffee today, lads, just a quick and dirty unedited episode recorded on my phone on my way to work because something is happening at the swanky hotel down the street and I don't know what's happening but it's definitely a crime scene because there's a lot of cops, but usually they don't have this heavy of a police presence unless it's a murder scene, and they are really working at keeping people away from the place so chances are the deceased is important somehow. I know better than to try to speculate on that, for legal and ethical reasons, so I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole. Also it's useless and irresponsible to guess something like this when you have absolutely zero information and are just going off a hunch based on how many cops are hovering around the police tape instead of, you know, having actual information.

But you better believe I'm keeping an eye on this one. I know I won't be breaking the story, and I'm okay with that. I am not about to be the reason a family finds out a loved one is dead before the cops have a chance to positively identify the victim and inform the family. I'm not doing that. I'm weird, but I'm not a bastard.

All right. I made it to work, so that's the end for now. Uh, the next episode will deal with that buckwild interview that aired last night -- what the fuck was that? So be sure to check back on our normal day for that.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

_Muffled, at a distance:_

Shit, they found this guy at Christm- --

_Hard cut. End of audio._


	12. Episode 9.67 - Eve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Direct the narrative.

**Host:** Two awful unedited eps in one day! How about that? I mean, I could edit them, but where's the fun in that? At least I'm using a real mic this time.

First, quick housekeeping -- the next regular episode will be going up tomorrow. I know it's Christmas, but I'm not about to let the holidays force any distance between the airing of that interview and my podcast about it. This may not by my job or my livelihood, but a girl's gotta stay relevant, you know?

Also, even though it's early, tomorrow's episode will be the last regular one until after New Years, barring actual disaster. That's just how the timing is going to work out. 

Anyway, this is just a quick check-in regarding that weird, apparently impromptu presser Jessica just held from her front porch.

I don't really have a lot to say on it -- at least, I don't think I do -- but I didn't want it to pass me by. As of this recording, she stepped back inside her house not five minutes ago, so this is all a completely off-the-cuff reaction.

Where the hell did she get that photo? Why is it under FBI jurisdiction? Why would the FBI let her have that photo and then why would they let her just show it off to the press like it was nothing? Why did she not enlist Ainsley's help for this, especially right after Ainsley just told off the mob outside her house for poaching her own family's story? 

_A pause._

See, that last question there? That's why I usually edit these things. Otherwise they border on incoherent. Oh, well. Not editing this. Too bad. 

I mean, I applaud and appreciate Jessica's continued quest for justice and peace for her husband's victims. But this just felt -- weird. Ill-advised. 

And I do not believe for a second that she had any kind of official permission to have the photo, let alone show it off and offer a reward for information about it.

And that's not even taking into account the fact that she alluded to more possible victims. I mean, I guess we always kind of knew that 23 was a lowball estimate. But to have her so cavalierly confirm that after 20 years? 

Just all around weird, guys.

I mean, I hope that the truth, whatever it is, comes to light. Whatever happens, I cannot wait to see how this plays out.


	13. Episode 10 - Blasé

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cost of ambition is probably higher than bus fare.

**Host:** Coffee & Killers! Coffee today is who cares! We have an interview to talk about! 

Real quick though, Junkyard Killer update -- no update. No news. He's still presumably out there somewhere and I don't care for that at all. But what are you gonna do?

Now. That _bleep_ interview.

Right off the bat, even with this being a podcast with a surgical bent, I'm kind of appalled at this whole thing. I mean, I'm trying not to romanticize killers here -- at least, that's not my intention. Like I said way back when, I'm really interested in the stories that don't get told and that humanize the people stuck living in the killer's shadows. Why are we giving the Surgeon this kind of airtime?

I also have to wonder -- everything we saw was vetted by producers and deemed appropriate for primetime, appropriate for public consumption. What got left on the cutting room floor?

And -- Ainsley, for the record, I applaud your ambition and frankly, I am terrified of your willingness to air out your family's dirty laundry. And you did Malcolm dirty here. I mean, it's one thing to explain your family's reality and use it to get under the skin of the man who caused it, but -- 

Did you have to throw Malcolm under the bus to do it?

And what did Jessica the socialite, Jessica the wife implicated and suspected, sweet Jessica who keeps her cards so close to her chest -- Ainsley, what must your mother think?

So, Martin -- even knowing you're a textbook narcissist, why did you agree to do this? Did you think it was just the easiest way to get some time with your estranged daughter? What is your angle?

And after all of that -- where the _bleep_ is M- -- 

You know what? I'd love to check in with him, but after that interview, I'd be laying low too. I mean, to have my issues aired on primetime by my own sister when I'm not there to -- I'd be furious and I'd probably be spiraling. 

_A pause. She sighs._

Look. Wherever you are, Malcolm, I hope you're oka- -- there's no way you're okay. I hope you're still surviving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The things I would do to see that interview.
> 
> I decided Malcolm's Mental Illness Roll Call was aired in-universe, but with no indication he was in the room. I did this partly for my own contrived plot purposes, and partly because I just don't want Ainsley to be that much of an asshole.
> 
> Also, I curse like a sailor and my filter disappeared when I was writing a few of these. (The host also curses like a sailor but tries not to in episodes because it means more editing, and editing is boring.)


	14. Episode 11 - Bailey's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An opportunity, a reward, and a hint or two of desperation.

**Host:** Remember when I said "no new episode until after New Years"? Yeah, I lied. Regular weekly episodes will resume after New Years. Maybe. You know what, who knows? Killers don't exactly follow the calendar, and Whitly Family Drama certainly doesn't either. Why should I?

Today's coffee is just Bailey's out of a coffee mug. What do I care? My office is closed until the new year and that's still a week away.

Okay. So today I want to get a little more into all the stuff that happened over Christmas, because there was a lot.

First, we have a comment from Ainsley Whitly, who was justifiably irritated by the press gaggle outside her mother's door, about being the one to break any news regarding her family. Whether she made the comment because she was irritated they were there, or because she wants to continue using her family's story to advance her own career, who's to say?

A little later that evening, Jessica stepped out in front of all the press hovering on the sidewalk and made the following statement:

_An audio clip plays._

**Jessica Whitly:** As you know, my ex-husband, Martin Whitly, is a convicted serial murderer. He's in a psychiatric hospital for killing 23 people. But I believe there were more. This bracelet, which is in evidence and under FBI jurisdiction, holds the key to the identity of the Surgeon's 24th victim. Instead of turning your eyes on my family this Christmas, use this clue to help me uncover the identity of this woman. I hereby offer a reward in the amount of $1 million for information that leads to the truth of the owner of this bracelet, which is engraved with the initials 'AMS'. It is my hope that together we can see that justice, real justice, is finally served.

_The clip ends._

**Host:** Now, I rambled about this already a couple episodes ago, so I'm not going to rehash that. Just go back and listen to 9-point-67 for the ravings of this madwoman.

The one thing I want to touch on again, the awful thing about all this is -- we always knew 23 was a best guess, not a concrete body count. But having it unofficially confirmed, and by the long-accused wife, with a piece of evidence that she probably shouldn't have that's under FBI jurisdiction? That's -- and, I mean, it's not like we ever knew or will ever know, like, Bundy's body count either. 

_She sighs._

Too many questions, zero answers.

Lastly, a quick update on Whitly Watch. We've seen a lot of Jessica lately, and a slightly higher amount than usual of Ainsley, what with the interview and all. Martin is still tucked away in solitary, thank god. But who's still conspicuously absent, especially after last week, in all of this?

You guessed it.

I know how this sounds, with me harping on about this every week. I get it. But I am really not trying to be a stalker here. I just -- I want to know if he's okay. I mean, I don't know if anyone can be okay when they found out their father was a serial killer when they were 10 and then called the cops on their own dad and watched him be arrested and tried and convicted and taken to a psychiatric hospital-cum-prison for life. I guess I just want to know he's still alive and surviving and, ideally, thriving. I want to know he has the support he needs, because Jessica and Ainsley certainly never talk about him -- well, unless Ainsley has a bus she can throw him under -- so I can't begin to imagine how those relationships are working out for him.

Maybe I'm being too harsh or unfair to Ainsley. After that interview, I don't really care.

Anyway, I need a refill on my Bailey's, so I'm out. Hope New Years Eve is good to y'all. Catch you on the flip side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jessica's lines are a direct quote from "Silent Night".


	15. Episode 12 - Green Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Withdrawal and scuttlebutt.

**Host:** Good morning and happy new year! Welcome to Coffee & Killers, where I drink -- something, and ramble about killers. Today, in spite of the name, I'm having a cup of green tea. My resolution this year was to cut down on caffeine, so here I am. Two and a half weeks in and still going strong! No, I am not taking bets on how much longer I'm going to last. 

_Quietly, almost to herself:_

I miss coffee.

_At normal volume:_

Honestly, the fact that I haven't broken down and had coffee already is a damn miracle, because -- I know this episode is a bit late. Work was worse than usual right after the holidays, and things are only just settling back down into their normal levels of chaos. 

The city, however, is still going strong in its chaos.

Like, oh, I don't know, a friggin' blackout in Midtown? A blackout that just happens to have a police precinct at its epicenter? Because that's not suspicious at all.

And, you know, even as wild as a blackout centered around a Midtown precinct is, that's nothing compared to today's Whitly Watch. I have an update that is not really an update on -- are you sitting down? -- Malcolm Whitly. Now, before you get too excited, I don't know what's real and what's not, here. With the increased press and police presence at Jessica Whitly's front door following Ainsley's Surgeon interview, we already kind of knew something was going down over the holidays. The only clues we have as to what, exactly, was going down are rumors. 

Which -- I'm a bit peeved by that, to be honest. All that press hovering around and all we have are rumors I had to pull from Justice Quest? Unbelievable.

Anyway, I mentioned Malcolm -- he's the subject of the rumors. And there are so many rumors flying that matching reality to the things being said feels impossible. I've heard that Malcolm's alive and well and used to work for the FBI but he quit and now works with the NYPD; I've heard that he is alive and mostly well and was fired by the FBI and is now doing god knows what; I've heard that he is alive but at death's door; and I've heard that he was straight-up murdered over Christmas.

So, like I said: something was going down over the holidays, but I'll be _bleep_ if I know what.

_A pause. The light clacking of a keyboard._

I never thought the Surgeon would be considered "lighter Whitly news," but -- in lighter Whitly news, the Surgeon is reportedly out of solitary. I don't know how he pulled that off after indirectly causing the death of a Claremont guard, but everything else is so weird, this may as well happen, right?

Anyway, I've gone on long enough for the first episode of the year. I'll catch you next week when we get back on schedule, maybe.

_A creak of a chair. She sighs. Distant:_

I need a coffee.


	16. Episode 12.5 - Blindside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mawwiage is what bwings us togeva today.

**Host:** Emergency podcast, guys, barely edited. Like it was only open in Audacity long enough to add track information. Anyway --

So I was watching The Wedding like the rest of the city, right? And what happens but someone makes an attempt on the life of the father of the groom! But! Moments before that some guy had taken the mic for a toast -- clearly he had nothing to do with the family -- so he was in front of George and he dove for the guy, like it was nothing, like who cares someone's got a gun pointed at him! Wild, right? 

Oh, but then -- then somebody asks who this guy is. 

God, I -- this guy, this absolute madman who made a fool of himself and then turned around and saved the damn day -- is Malcolm fucking Whitly. 

At long last, the prodigal son returns!

And Jessica looked so proud -- oh! And speaking of Jessica, it was so good to see her out and about again. You know, I never realized how much her personality was missing from the elite social scene.

So, anyway, that's episode 12-point-5, I guess. We'll be back on our normal day with our regularly scheduled and properly edited episode, where we'll talk about -- hell, I don't know -- whatever's going on when I need to record the next episode. And probably a little more digging into whatever the hell just happened at this wedding, oh my god. This doesn't do it justice, I just needed to record my reaction because that was a lot.

So, uh, catch you next time. I need a drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next episode-chapter I have written is not the next episode-chapter in order, so I'll be working on getting those finished up over the weekend. So far, I'm still on track to be up to date and ready for 1x16 on Monday.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	17. Episode 13 - Instant Coffee (Not That Kind)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An existential crisis, some toast, and a sigh of relief.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers, or as I like to call it, Coffee Dates With The Whitlys Because Apparently Every Murder In New York Takes Me Back To This _bleep_ Family.

First off, let's just get the coffee out of the way. Why on earth did I think this was a great way to start a murder podcast? What am I doing with my life? Why did I think I could give up coffee? In honor of this existential crisis, I'm drinking instant coffee. The bag kind, not the crystal kind. Please, I'm in crisis but I still have my self-respect. I could have thrown some milk and sugar in here, but let's be real, that wouldn't help. So, black like my soul it is.

New Years resolution who?

Um -- all right. This isn't going to be a long episode because aside from that downtown apartment explosion -- how have there been two apartment explosions in six months? 

You know what? I don't want to know. Anyway, aside from that, there isn't a whole lot on my radar, so I just want to get into whatever happened at that wedding a little more.

With the Taylors being an important family, not many details have been officially released. But that doesn't mean they haven't been reported. Some of this is rumor, some of this is "first-hand accounts," and some of this is just me making assumptions based on the livestream of the wedding and reports on ADN. 

Cal Taylor's actual wedding apparently passed without incident. The reception is where things got hairy. It started fine, with everyone milling about and drinking champagne and talking about whatever high-class people talk about at these things. Eventually, Cal's dad, George, took the mic for what would be, I'm sure, a rousing speech, simultaneously embarrassing and bragging about Cal. 

That's when things got interesting.

One of the guests jumped up and grabbed the mic away before George could get a word in. Apparently, this guy didn't know anything about Cal, and he went on some rambling speech about family and the wild things family will do for each other. Which, I guess, makes a bit of sense when you steal a father's toast at his son's wedding. 

But then the mystery man started dancing around the elephant in the room -- the boat accident when Cal was a teenager that he officially had nothing to do with, but everyone knows he probably did. That's the power of money, baby. And suddenly, by all accounts, this guy isn't talking to the crowd at all, he's talking to the photographer, and then things went from interesting to dangerous.

Suddenly the photographer's pulling a gun and this strange mic-stealing man is running full-tilt for George Taylor and the gun goes off but he's tackled George behind the head table and someone that I hope was an undercover cop takes the photographer down -- 

And that's where the stream ended. Later reporting says the photographer was actually involved in the boat accident all those years ago and blamed George Taylor for whatever happened. But today, I don't care about who did it or why, because I only have eyes for the mystery man.

Now, this is based solely on gossip from the upper-class rumor mill, but I kind of think this is one time the gossip happens to be true. Who is our mystery weirdo who interrupts a high society reception with his own meandering toast only to turn around and save the life of the father of the groom? Who else?

Malcolm Whitly.

If part of the rumors surrounding his identity didn't include Jessica Whitly claiming him as her son, I wouldn't be so easily sold. But this story of his re-entry into his mother's world is just wild enough for me to buy it as truth.

_A single exhale of a laugh._

Welcome back, Malcolm. Hope the years have been good to you. Maybe that's a vain hope. I mean, you look good all things considered, but you're also looking a bit older than your 32 years there, bud. 

Even so, it's damn good to see you at all.

_She sighs. A chair creaks. Quieter:_

I wonder if I've st- -- 

_Hard cut. End of audio._


	18. Episode 13.5 - Flash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking news and a cheap disguise.

_The following audio is lower-quality than previous episodes._

**Host:** Quick and dirties are really becoming a staple of this podcast, aren't they?

Anyway, quick and dirty episode after whatever the hell that was that just happened on ADN. Unedited and recorded on my phone and sorry for the all-around terrible quality.

So we have somebody with a voice modulator he probably got at Party City calling in and claiming responsibility for a body found in Queens this morning. He calls himself the "Carousel Killer," which -- god, I hope that body wasn't found on a damn carousel. 

Hey, murderers? If you -- I'm doing a 180 here and I know it -- if you absolutely have to have a nickname, please, I am begging you, make it a good one. The "Carousel Killer"? Man, come on.

Uh, anyway, body found in Queens. The self-proclaimed killer claims it was random and he killed to prove he was serious about something, which -- killing at random when you're trying to make a point? Sure, Jan. 

Okay, so -- I'm going by memory here, which my normal rambling is really helping with, makes it very easy to stay on track -- so this guy is serious. He called out Jessica Whitly by name, something about how she thinks she's doing all this good when really she's just a fake. He made some comment that makes it sound like this is somehow connected to the Surgeon, like she is somehow connected to the Surgeon, above and beyond having been married to him. Which isn't news, obviously, but maybe it is to this guy, I don't know. Like, he made it sound like the past is catching up to her somehow, and then he demanded money and said he would kill again if she didn't listen to his demands, and --

What is with the Whitlys? They're like shit magnets. All kinds of shit happens to them and around them and I cannot stress enough how glad I am --

That's -- I think that was everything. Ainsley's still on rehashing it, but I think I got it all. There may or may not be another quick and dirty later, depending on how this goes.

I --

_Muffled, at a distance:_

This is too much. I gotta get out of this fuckin' city, ma- -- 

_Hard cut. End of audio._


	19. Episode 14 - Leftovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad coffee choices, bad nicknames, bad vibes.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to another installment of Coffee & Killers! Today we have yesterday's coffee, nuked in the microwave, and honestly I should have just dumped this out, I can't stand leftover coffee, and yet I do this every time.

Today's going to be a fairly quick ep. There's not a lot going on that I know of and I hate to skip a week, so I figured I'd just do a quick Carousel Killer recap.

So he got that nickname partly because it was what he called himself when he called into ADN, and partly because his first victim was found riding a carousel. I still cannot stand that nickname. It's not even a good nickname.

Anyway, nickname aside, his first victim going for a ride isn't the most interesting part. What happened next is what makes this a great story.

Not only did he call into a news network for attention, which, let's face it, is really why he called, but he spoke with Ainsley Whitly. Did he speak to her because she was on the desk that day? Did he ask to speak to her directly? If she happened to be there, how did he get so lucky? If he asked for her -- why? Because of her father? Because of her interview with her father? Because he knew he was going to be sending a request through Ainsley's network to Ainsley's mother, and who better to be the intermediary than Ainsley herself?

Whatever the reason, he spoke to Ainsley and made demands of Jessica Whitly through her.

_A pause._

Did I say this was going to be short? I should know better. I ramble too much for even short episodes to be short.

This caller implied that Jessica was somehow involved in the Surgeon's murders. Now, to anyone who knows anything at all about the Surgeon, you know that Jessica has long been under suspicion as an accomplice or accessory. Nothing was ever proven, but the suspicion has always been there. So perhaps the Carousel Killer calling her out makes a lot of sense, with all his talk about accessories. Obviously, she denies it all, but at the end of the day, we just don't know for sure.

Please don't sue me.

So this killer makes demands of Jessica. Well -- he makes a demand, singular. We only know of one for sure, but this whole thing really smacks of blackmail, so I think it's safe to assume there was more than one demand. The one demand we know for sure is a request for a million dollars, the same amount Jessica offered up for information on a 24th victim at Christmas. The killer seems to think he is owed this money.

_She snorts._

Hell, I want a million dollars too, buddy, but you don't see me killing over it.

Now, this is where the case gets a little murky for us armchair investigators, legally and morally and factually. No information has been officially released regarding anything else about the Carousel Killer, but here's what we know happened after the ransom request. It might be related to the Killer, it might not be.

We know that a lot of money appeared out of nowhere at Stuyvesant Park. We know that a man fell or was pushed off a roof across the street from the park around the same time. And we know that, later that night, the Carousel Killer was caught.

Before we go, let's talk about how the Carousel Killer was caught, because it is so _bleep_ delightful and absolutely just -- weird. He was caught outside the surgical theater at the hospital that also provides medical services to Claremont. Not to get all conspiracy theorist on this, but given the Killer's focus on Jessica Whitly and all that talk about the Surgeon, there's no way that connection is a coincidence, right? 

And that's not even the weird part. A little unnamed birdie of a source tells me that the Killer contacted Jessica with another request shortly before he was caught. 

Now, here's the thing. That little birdie also says that Martin Whitly was in surgery at the time after being stabbed in the _bleep_ heart.

So, uh, what the _bleep_ , y'all? Did Jessica Whitly _bleep_ stab the Surgeon? Wh- -- I -- what is happening? 

You ever been just so glad you're estranged from half of your family because it means the chances of something like this happening to you are slim to none?

_A pause. She sighs._

__

__

_bleep_ , man.

I cannot wait to see how this ends, my god.


	20. Episode 15 - Cappucino

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A coma, a convention, and cricket.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers! Today I've gone gourmet and am enjoying an instant cappucino. The powdered kind, made with yesterday's coffee. I hate leftover coffee, and powered cappucino is not great, but at least I can start my day with disappointment.

Now, I wish I had an update on the whole "Martin Whitly Got Shanked" thing, but -- well, I do have an update. It's just not a terribly interesting one. The Surgeon is currently in a coma following surgery. I don't know anything about his condition, or you know I'd be spilling those beans. We're just going to have to wait and hope he wakes up and can tell us what happened, because -- I don't know about you, but I'm not buying what Jessica Whitly is selling. She did it? Please. If she wanted him dead, he would have been dead a long time ago. 

_She snorts._

Remember the "unremarkable conclusion" column from way back when? I quit keeping score, but I feel like that column is no longer winning. I mean, it's not even on the board anymore. Nothing has been unremarkable since, like, the first mushy body was pulled from a compacted car in that junkyard.

_A pause._

Wait a minute.

Did we ever find out what happened to that guy, the Junkyard Killer? He just, like, completely dropped off my radar after that interview and Jessica's reward for information on that bracelet and the blackout and -- like, I know the last time I talked about him we had no information, but is this still an open case? What's going on? 

I realize I could just look it up and put it in this episode, but the fact that I haven't heard anything tells me there is nothing to find. I mean, I'll do some digging, but I don't know, man.

Damn. I kind of wish I didn't just have this realization. This is gonna haunt me.

Um. 

Anyway, we've got an ironic -- is it really ironic? I don't know anymore. We've got a death that I find kind of funny. I know, I know, murder isn't funny. The circumstances of this one just tickle me. Let's not dwell on the implications of that.

An investor was found dead in his apartment. He was found dead and sitting on his couch. He was found dead, sitting on his couch, looking perfectly alive. He was embalmed, guys. "Now, why do you find that funny, you creep?" you may be asking me. He was an investor in several Long Island funeral homes back in the day. And he was found not only dead, but embalmed.

Sorry, if you can't find the humor in that horror -- _bleep_ , maybe I need to take a break from this podcast and get some sensitivity back.

Anyway, apparently finding a murderer who embalms his victims shouldn't be too tough. I mean, there's only so many morticians in the city, right? Wrong, at least for this week. Did you know there's actually a convention of morticians? I didn't. I'm half-tempted to go check out the convention of the --

_A pause. The light clacking of a keyboard._

I want to get this right. It's the convention of the Association of Atlantic Coast Funeral Directors. Oh, wait, I'm not a member. Guess I won't crash. Bummer. Wonder what kind of panels they have?

Unfortunately, that's all I've got for this particular case. Nothing else has been released, my little birdie of a source is keeping mum on this one for some reason, and with that convention, there are way too many variables for me to just start guessing. I've avoided slander so far, and I'd really like not to break my duck.

That -- that means break my streak. Sorry, my grandfather was way too into cricket when I was a kid and he said that all the time.

Enough about me. I'll be keeping an eye on the comatose Martin story. Obviously, by definition, there won't be a lot going on there for now, but as soon as he wakes up, you KNOW I'll be here with a Quick-n-Dirty to update you.

I'll catch y'all next week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the host's family story, but it's very self-indulgent and not at all germane to the fake podcast content. Put another way, yes, I am keeping track of all the bits and pieces about her, yes, it's all intentional, yes, it's a hodge podge, yes, she is a mess.


	21. Episode 15.5 - Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course he did.

**Host:** Hey folks, I'm back with another quick and dirty in-between episode because a little birdie of an unnamed source is telling me that Martin woke up. 

He's been in a coma since he was taken to the hospital following an alleged attack in which he was stabbed. 

Now, straight up, I have zero information on what happened, his injury, or his condition. But I wouldn't be recording and uploading this episode if I didn't have some wild guesses.

Quick disclaimer -- all of this is guesswork. Nothing is confirmed. Nothing is official. I have no actual knowledge of anything.

A lot of teachers said that about me in high school.

So here's what I assume is the timeline of how things fit together. The Carousel Killer was making demands of Jessica Whitly. Something happened at Claremont and Martin was stabbed in the heart and taken to the hospital. The Carousel Killer was arrested at the same hospital while he was in surgery. Martin was in a coma following that surgery. And today, Martin woke up.

_A pause. She sighs._

There's nothing like knowing something is going on, but not being able to see the connections -- like looking at a yarn board without the yarn.

You know, between this and the previous security incident at Claremont, I would like to know what the hell is going on there. Like, one patient is able to get a knife and kill his guard and cause a lockdown? And then someone is able to get into the Surgeon's cell and stab him? I have better security at my home, and my security system consists of a deadbolt and chain lock.

That probably shouldn't be in a podcast, but then again, you don't know my name or even what borrough I'm in, and I like the point that detail makes, so it stays in, I guess.

This whole thing is just weird, guys. I mean, everything involving the Surgeon is weird, but this feels --

Weird.

Maybe we'll have more info by the time I record the next episode. I doubt it, but we'll see, I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All caught up! Future updates will be weekly, probably over weekends (it just depends on how my work schedule shakes out; quarantine who?). 
> 
> Thanks for reading and for your patience!


	22. Episode 16 - Drip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Coffee, Mr. Philippe, and Mr. Whitly.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers. This morning we've just got a bog-standard cup of coffee made in a drip brewer using the cheapest coffee I could get in a dark roast at the store. Is it good? What's "good"? Who cares? It's coffee. It's hot. It's got caffeine. Whatever.

Work has been just -- ridiculous, and I am losing it. Sorry.

Anyway.

I'm still kinda bummed I couldn't get into that mortician convention, but I do have an update on the case that put it on my radar. The motive isn't really clear and nothing has been released about it, but a woman named Leanne Truitt has been arrested for the Bagley murder, as well as attempted murder on another funeral director. That's something I've learned this week -- the preferred term is "funeral director," which is just another distancing thing that glosses over all the hands-on work they do with the bodies, and --

You know, what is it like to have a podcast that isn't an editing nightmare? Must be nice.

Anyway, that case is closed for now, and the courtroom testimony will be fascinating, I'm sure.

Moving on to the next weirdness -- it's actually something that's not technically under the purview of this podcast, but it is just absolutely bat _bleep_. You've heard of smash and grabs, you've heard of bike gangs, you've heard of bike gangs doing smash and grabs. But have you heard of a bike gang doing a smash and grab without leaving the bikes? Because it happened. They drove into this watch shop or jewelry store -- I'm not clear on which it was. I just look for murders, man, smash and grabs aren't my thing. They drove in, drove around, smashed, grabbed, and drove right back out again.

I mean, it's certainly a choice. Not the way I would do it, but then, I don't have any sense of style, and also I'm not a criminal.

So, like I said, not really our thing because we're "Coffee & Killers," not "Coffee & Criminals Making Dramatic Choices," but it was wild and -- it's New York City, so of course it was wild. But it was so wild I just had to share.

You know, I joked about getting out of this city a couple episodes ago, but man, I have g- --

_Hard cut._

Oh! Work's got me so out of sorts that I almost forgot Whitly Watch -- Martin is awake and back in Claremont. I don't know how I feel about that, personally. I mean, I don't have a horse in this race, but like I said before, I don't know what is going on with Claremont's security. I guess I trust it to hold the Surgeon. I guess I don't have a choice. I definitely trusted it more six months ago than I do now.

At any rate, part of Martin being awake means that whoever stabbed him is looking more at an assault charge than attempted murder. Maybe. I guess it's still attempted murder, but it all depends on how the prosecutor decides to charge the suspect. I say "suspect" like the common consensus isn't that Jessica Whitly did it. I know that's the obvious answer here. She was being blackmailed, she was there when it happened, she was carted off to a precinct while he was taken to the hospital. 

But here's the thing. I snoop around and try to get my hands on every dirty little rumor possible, and one of the rumors flying around is that Jessica and Martin weren't the only two in that cell that night. Rumor has it someone else was visiting Martin when Jessica walked in, and rumor has it they were still there when everything went down, and rumor has it they were at the hospital with Martin.

You already know who I'm going to say it was. Please, you've been here this whole time. You know exactly who I'm talking about.

And you know what? If he was there, I'm pissed for him. If everything Ainsley said in that _bleep_ interview was true, he has no business being within 300 feet of Claremont or Martin. I don't know his entire life, obviously, but between the arrest and his apparent laundry list of issues, the last thing Malcolm needs is to be seeing his serial killer father in the prison-slash-hospital that he helped put him in -- because of course it was Malcolm. Of course he was there.

_She scoffs._

I shouldn't say "of course". These are just rumors, not necessarily fact. But even so --

_She sighs._

You know -- Malcolm, babe, there's no way you listen to this podcast, but I'm talking to you, here -- sometimes estrangement can be a happy, healthy way to deal with family. Voice of experience here. Distance and a little therapy can go a long way, man.

_A chair creaks. A pause. Distant:_

Catch you guys next week.

_Another creak. The recording ends._


	23. Episode 17 - Pour Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bleed in the ball pit.

**Host:** Good morning and welcome to Coffee & Killers, the podcast where I drink a cup of coffee, ramble about killers, and wonder why I haven't moved yet. Today's coffee is a pour-over using the house roast from the same guys that made my hot cocoa from way back -- you know, the local guys. They ship anywhere and roast to order, so you know it's fresh. But they are not a sponsor of this show, so that's quite enough of that.

_A pause. The sound of a coffee mug being placed on a wooden table._

But, oh man, is that good. 

Okay. First off, I have a couple of quick corrections from last week. The robbery wasn't from a jewelry store. It was actually an auction house. What the difference between those two is, I don't know, because they are both way out of my price range. Back when I wore watches -- you know, before our phones were our watches, and then our watches became our phones, which -- I don't even know, is that more or less convenient? 

Anyway, point being, I don't know the difference between a jewelry store and an auction house because all my accessories come from the jewelry counter at the nearest department store. Or garage sales. Which is kinda like an auc- --

_Hard cut._

As for the second correction, it turns out the smash and grabs were, in fact, relevant to this podcast because they were also murders! I -- what is with this _bleep_ city, man?

Um, no word on if the stolen goods were recovered. They kinda got overshadowed by the news of the murders. The suspect's name hasn't been released, but we do know he was part of the same bike gang that pulled the heists. I will never, as long as I live, be over the fact that they pulled off a robbery without leaving their bikes. 

Enough of that -- more than enough of that. Let's get into a new case that's still unfolding and that makes me incredibly glad yet again that I've mostly avoided influencer culture.

The body of a prominent mommy blogger was found -- that's not right. The husband of a prominent mommy blogger was found dead in their apartment. It's not clear who he was found by, but I'm hoping it was the nanny and not the wife. I mean, that sounds terrible. I don't want anybody to find anyone dead, ever. But I guess I just hope it would be less traumatic -- I don't know. 

At any rate, somebody found him. According to gossip on other mommy blogs, this particular couple was preparing for something called a sip and see -- I have no idea what a sip and see is, by the way, and unless it becomes relevant to the outcome of this case, I'm choosing to stay ignorant. It must be some sort of to-do, whatever it is, because they had a ball pit, and that's where the husband was found.

A ball pit. I know. I won't be making any jokes about that. Sorry to dash your dreams.

_A pause._

You know, I was going to apologize, but I'm not even sorry.

Anyway, that's all I've got on that right now. The victim's name hasn't been officially released yet, which probably has something to do with their online presence. But you know I'll share as soon as I feel like I can without drawing a cease and desist. Or I'll just wait till next week, like usual. Let's see if we can go more than two weeks without a quick and dirty, yeah?

All right. I know this has been one of the longer episodes already, but I wanted to do a quick Whitly Watch. I don't have anything new to report after the hullabaloo of the last few weeks, but that lack of information is kinda what I want to look at real quick. 

Speaking of quick and dirties, remember Christmas and the stuff the Whitlys said to the press that night? Has anyone heard anything about that? Why am I asking you? It's not like you can answer. But --

Has anyone? 

I mean, Ainsley got snippy, and that's whatever. But after Jessica mentioned a potential 24th victim, showed off some evidence, and gave out her phone number to get information on more victims, I haven't heard a goddamn thing about it. No updates, no false leads -- no nothing. I mean, I don't know if I've just been missing something, or if there genuinely haven't been any updates. 

And that's weird, right?

_A chair creaks. She sighs. Another creak._

I could go on all day but nobody wants that. Catch you next week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took an extra hour to weigh the pros and cons of those jokes. Not sure it was worth it in the end.
> 
> [This fic isn't dead, by the way. I'm just depressed and the US is falling apart, so I haven't felt like working on this. Also writer's block lmao I'll update this and get s1 finished eventually. It's all outline and just waiting to be written, but "Scheherazade" continues to elude me.]


End file.
